The Tale of the Little Athosian
by fortytwo03
Summary: A scientist, a runner, a colonel, and an Athosian - who do you think gets stuck with the brunt of the diplomacy? A retelling of "A Little Red Hen", SGA-style.


**Title:** The Tale of the Little Athosian  
**Author:** fortytwo03  
**Posted:** 09-27-2010  
**Summary:** A scientist, a runner, a colonel, and an Athosian - who do you think gets stuck with the brunt of the diplomacy? A retelling of _A Little Red Hen_, SGA-style.  
**Disclaimer:** Not mine.

**Author's Note:** This bit of crack was the result of reading a book of fairy tales and fables to my 4yo this morning. Somehow the idea of turning them into an SGA tale came to mind - this practically wrote itself ;).

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oOo

**_The Tale of the Little Athosian_**

oOo

Once upon a time, a scientist, a runner, a colonel, and a little Athosian all worked together as part of a gate team in the city of Atlantis.

All day long, the scientist searched for Ancient technology (and berated the less intelligent), the runner fought the Wraith (and unfriendly natives, and sometimes Marines, too), and the colonel led the team (and flew puddlejumpers). This left all the hard work of negotiating with the natives to the little Athosian.

oOo

One day the little Athosian was walking off-world with her team, looking for the village of the (hopefully) friendly natives.

"Who will talk to the inhabitants?" she asked.

"Not I," said the scientist. "There's a strong energy reading, that's coincidentally in the exact opposite direction from the collection of mud-huts masquerading as civilization, that might be a ZedPM. Finding that is far more important than suffering through a few rounds of pointless chit-chat with people who are barely out of the Stone Age."

"Not I," said the runner. "Someone has to protect the scientist from Wraith or angry villagers."

"Not I," said the colonel. "Someone has to make sure that the scientist and the runner don't get into trouble - start any wars, blow anything up, maim each other - stuff like that. Besides, what if the energy reading is coming from some sort of spacecraft? I'd need to be right there to fly it."

"Then I will," said the little Athosian.

And she did.

oOo

The little Athosian met with the natives, who were indeed friendly, and willing to trade.

"Who will negotiate with the leaders?" she asked.

"Not I," said the scientist. "I'm _this close_ to finding the source of the energy. Besides, I'm horrible at negotiating - everything shows on my face and I can't help pointing out stupidity when I see it - I'd surely end up denigrating some ridiculous god or desecrating some sacred artifact. Why is it that these primitive societies inevitably declare the one truly useful thing they have to be untouchable by us unbelievers?"

"Not I, "said the runner. "The scientist is _this close_ to finding trouble - he'll need my help more than you will."

"Not I," said the colonel. "The scientist is _this close_ to activating the inevitable Wraith beacon or leftover Ancient death trap, something that will probably need my super Ancient gene to turn off. Besides, you are far better at negotiating than I am - it only makes sense for me to delegate this task."

"Then I will," said the little Athosian.

And she did.

oOo

The little Athosian negotiated with the leaders of the village, and reached a mutually satisfactory agreement.

"Who will attend the celebratory dinner?" she asked.

"Not I," said the scientist. "The scanner says that the Ancient device should be _right here_. Besides, the food undoubtedly has citrus in it. Oh, and didn't you say that they are _vegetarians_? Ugh, thanks but no thanks. Ooh, I think this will do it..."

"Not I,' said the runner. "Not sure about what the scientist just did. And these people don't have dessert."

"Not I, "said the colonel. "Things are looking a little dicey at the moment. And you said they don't drink - can't sit through one of those things without a little liquid something."

"Then I will," said the little Athosian.

And she did.

oOo

The little Athosian sat down to the meat-less, dessert-less, and alcohol-less dinner. Her politeness and respect for her hosts' traditions impressed the villagers, and they decided to give the Atlanteans a special gift.

"Who will attend the gift-giving ceremony?" she asked.

"Not I," said the scientist. "I'm a bit busy right now, what with the unresponsive controls and the locked door and the rapidly rising water and the killer animals circling! You know, I'm really sick of constantly having to cheat death every mission!"

"Not I,' said the runner. "Keeping the carnivorous fish away. And the giant reptiles. Ceremony sounds boring, anyway."

"Not I, "said the colonel. "The runner needs help keeping the mini-sharks and the huge alligators off the scientist. And the scientist probably needs my gene to get the door open. And, honestly, I'm not really one for long ceremonies in the first place."

"Then I will," said the little Athosian.

And she did.

oOo

The little Athosian received the villagers' gift, a working Ancient superweapon.

"Who will carry the Ancient weapon to Atlantis?" she asked.

"I will!" said the scientist. "Give it! I can't wait to scan it and test it and take it apart. I bet I can build a bigger one to defend Atlantis. Oh, this almost makes up for the utter horribleness and otherwise complete pointlessness of the rest of the mission."

"I will!" said the runner. "Nobody can use a weapon better than me."

"I will!" said the colonel. "If anybody carries it, it should be me. I bet it requires the gene (sorry, runner), and I am way more experienced at _using_ weapons than the scientist. Besides, I'm the leader - it's my responsibility to get it safely to Atlantis, and this is important enough that I should see to it personally."

"Oh, no, you won't," said the little Athosian. "I talked to the villagers. I negotiated with the leaders. I went to the celebratory dinner. I attended the gift-giving ceremony. I will carry the Ancient weapon to Atlantis myself."

And she did.

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As always, please R&R!


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